Tales of the Incredible Hoke Robertson

When I was nearing the end of my population census for the endangered Norwegian shrew I was reminded of another rodent adventure. The year was 1962 and we were in the middle of the great Central Valley Gopher Plague which almost wiped out the Lodi grape industry. I was called in to help given my experience in both rodent extermination and genetic engineering. It was thought that the explosion of gophers was due to radioactive fallout from a Russian H-Bomb test that had altered certain rodent DNA. Well I got right to work and my investigations revealed that indeed the gophers had mutated such that they now had excellent eyesight and were thus better able to avoid both snakes and gopher traps as well as poison. After some deep consideration I decided upon a plan of action. As everyone knows, gophers stock pile grapes and other berries for use in the scarce winter months. Luckily at that time, General Mills (the cereal giant with a plant in Lodi) had just introduced its new Captain Crunch cereal with BooBerries.

I, being a Boy Scout Troop Leader at the time, enlisted the help of one of my Scouts; none other than Frank Mills, who on his summer break was working in the family business; I think as a gopher. Frank, who was an outstanding young lad and at the time known for his cleanliness, would later go on to great success and even become a Master of Woodbridge Lodge where he is well known for his creative ritual work. Anyway, Frank got permission to do a half day’s run of just BooBerries from his grandfather The General. Meanwhile, I developed a concoction that made rodent eyes less tolerant to sunlight which the “volunteer” Scouts injected into each and every BooBerry. The “bait” was then placed in thousands of gopher holes around the county under the Scouts Mobilization program. The newly mutated gophers, seeing the BooBerries as a tasty meal began to eat them, but my concoction caused them to squint which counter-acted their good sight and thereafter made them more susceptible to snakes and traps. The balance of Nature was thus re-established and the gopher population was held in check. Interestingly, there is still a debate as to whether the BooBerry itself contributed to the solution since most of the Mills family to this very day squint even in low sunlight. My genetic tests on the Mills family is another story. HOKE ROBERTSON